tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2009-11-12:/A blog about the tricks your mind plays on you when you are trying to get pregnant and how sometimes being your mother's daughter just doesn't helpMokoFeed2009-11-12T23:15:58+01:00tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-12-04:/2007/12/04/sorry_normal_service_will_not_be_resumed~3393030/motheranddaughter2007-12-04T12:09:19+01:002007-12-04T12:09:19+01:00 <p>It's been a while, but that is what comes of not dwelling on things, as so many kind hearted people have suggested. Gone is the foul powder, replaced by tablets instead and some weird stuff called Stabillium which is a kind of non addictive, non sedative, calming potion made from deep sea fish entrails - no honestly, I know it sounds like something from Hamlet but darn it, it seems to work. Actually do genuinely feel a bit better, despite having to halt taking everything last week when I had stomach pain so bad my GP thought I had gall-stones. An ultrasound showed I don't, but it was a rough week as everything I ate caused me pain. Chalk that down as mystery virus as I am still none the wiser. A moment passed where I was wishing for a better reason for an ultrasound but I was so relieved not to have gall-stones I barely flickered.<br> Generally I am ok, less miserable on the whole. Still surrounded by pregnancy, still wondering why folks just don't get it. I know I can have IUI once I have had laparoscopy to check for endometriosis, I'm going to give it some time before I go there, so I just need my sex life back and I can ignore all this for a while. Might be a week or so before I am back as I am off to see the new twins my sister in law delivered a few weeks ago, bear with me, no news means I probably feel ok! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/12/04/sorry_normal_service_will_not_be_resumed~3393030/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-11-08:/2007/11/08/end_and_beginning~3264614/motheranddaughter2007-11-08T14:17:12+01:002007-11-08T14:17:12+01:00 <p>A resounding 'not pregnant', which made me a little glum last night but now I am mainly wondering if my right-sided pain is regular period pain or something more sinister like endometriosis. Which also makes me wonder why nobody has looked into this given my previous history of painful periods. See, I have cleverly replaced one worry with another. Worry off-setting is a about as effective as carbon-offsetting in the medium term but has the same pleasant effect of dulling the original pain. Babies everywhere as usual but on a good day I can remind myself we were all babies once so I may as well just get on with it. Still taking the foul powder, which mysteriously tasted ok yesterday but not today.<br> Finding it very hard to power down and do very little but know in my heart that this is the answer, lets see what the next month brings </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/11/08/end_and_beginning~3264614/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-11-05:/2007/11/05/witches_brew_day_five~3247959/motheranddaughter2007-11-05T11:22:13+01:002007-11-05T11:22:13+01:00 <p>Twice a day I have to mix a foul powder with some apple and mango juice and neck it as quickly as I can to avoid tasting it. I usually do this with my nose pinched so I can't smell it either. I don't know what I dislike less, the horrible overly sweet smell and taste or the slightly animal smell that I am guessing comes from the famous glandular extracts. I am hoping this will replace the extracts I am not so good at making any more and give my body a break. As if this wasn't bad enough my body has decided that half the time it will start to feel nauseous as soon as the foul mixture hits my stomach. This I should add, is despite a buffer of a full stomach. Yesterday morning I felt pukey for about an hour. No clue why that hasn't happened today but duly thankful all the same. The suggestion is that I do this for three months, or until I get pregnant. Never has there been more desire to hit the biological jackpot.</p> <p>Recently I have been pulled in to the whole Facebook phenomenon. On the one hand this is a true delight, as I have heard from loads of 'missing' people I am really happy to hear from. The hard thing to take is they all seem to have kids, usually two. I feel like it is a club I am not being allowed to join, which is horrible as that has always been a sure fire way to press my buttons anyway. I am happy for them but still so jealous. The night before last I had a dream that I had blown my chances because I had eaten some bread and smoked a cigarette, things I don't really have any desire to do in real life. Isn't it shocking how loudly your subconscious can knock. I have to remind myself that it isn't my 'fault' and that when we manage this it will be a joy so hard won, I will be changed, just a little, but forever. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/11/05/witches_brew_day_five~3247959/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-11-01:/2007/11/01/a_better_place~3228348/motheranddaughter2007-11-01T10:32:57+01:002007-11-01T17:52:18+01:00 <p>Today I started on a foul witches brew that is supposed to help sort out my adrenal glands. Problem is I can't actually drink the stuff. The first two mouthfuls are ok and from there on in it makes me want to honk. I guess if you have ever tried Chinese herbs you will know where I am coming from. Thing is, I really want to take this stuff. Now that my spitting in tube (AKA Saliva Hormone Assays) has identified a potential area to address I just want to address it. The wonderful folks at Zita West recommended this stuff, my endocrinologist has done her tests to back this up. So now, seven vials of blood and two spectacular bruises later, I look like a junkie but I am good to go. Trouble is I took the damn stuff an hour ago and I still feel icky. Going to have to forage for apple juice to mix with it to even attempt a dose later. The stuff is called Dynamite Adrenals and I would welcome any tips you might have on getting the stuff into you, if you happen to be on it</p> <p>This is also week two of not eating wheat, which initially freaked me out and is now absolutely fine. I have lost a kilo and feel pretty good. Still sleepy but good and less maudlin</p> <p>The weirdest news has to be that we can go ahead and do IUI whenever we want to start, provided I have a laproscopy to see if I have endometriosis first. I have no symptoms, nobody has thought to check this before but apparently it could make the choice between IUI and starting IVF straight away. If my bits are stuck together inside we go straight to plan B. Very strange and quite surprising, I can't really decide if I am actually ok with this or not. Is it my gynaecologist liking the idea or is it really necessary as general anaesthesia and a camera in my pelvis is not my idea of enhancing my chances. However it might actually be very sensible...the good news is the advice from the gynae is to wait a while and fix adrenal glands in the meantime so I guess its back to the powder of nausea... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/11/01/a_better_place~3228348/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-10-12:/2007/10/12/it_s_me_myself_and_i~3127229/motheranddaughter2007-10-12T23:10:39+02:002007-10-12T23:10:39+02:00 <p>Dear Husband is asleep on the sofa. It is late and he was out last night and many drinks later got in early this morning. There was a rumour of some sex this evening but that isn't going to be happening. I have just been on the phone with my best friend (the one with the pregnant brain who forgot my birthday- I love this woman) We got to talking about our men and hers is a slightly old fashioned Teutonic lawyer, whereas mine has all the appearance of a new man. On the surface very different animals but scratch the surface and they are very similar. Neither takes as much responsibility as we do.<br> It makes me so sad that mine doesn't really share responsibility for trying to get pregnant and it worries me that this will be the same once we have a child. He doesn't ask if I am late with my period. Occasionally it occurs to him but he doesn't ask even when it does. He doesn't buy the vitamins, he only makes appointments if I tell him to and he bluntly isn't given a choice. He did actually even come to some until I was so upset by my gynaecologist he had to. He doesn't think about how to improve our sex life. He doesn't think about what he eats. He especially doesn't think about what he drinks, even if that might knacker his sperm for a couple of cycles. He doesn't initiate conversations about how we are doing. He sometimes has sex and he probably thinks he puts up with me going on about this a lot. In my worst moments I wonder if I want him to be a dad. Maybe I should actually stop trying rather than just talking about it. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/10/12/it_s_me_myself_and_i~3127229/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-10-11:/2007/10/11/back_after_a_short_hiatus~3118432/motheranddaughter2007-10-11T10:33:58+02:002007-10-11T10:33:58+02:00 <p>For the first time in ages, I have been properly,miserably, stuck in bed, no energy even to read, sick. It was 'only' a head cold but it knocked me sideways for five days. Of course I can measure how long ago it was I was last ill using my new measure of 'fertility time' and can tell you that I was last sick a trimester after we started trying.....<br> As is sometimes the case when you have been ill and forced to think about nothing, I have woken up strangely refreshed now that my brain is no longer cushioned in a sea of snot. A few random thoughts have sprung to my freshly scrubbed mind.</p> <p>Annoyingly I had a random thirty five day cycle, after several months of twenty eight to thirty days. Maybe I was a little pregnant, maybe not. I got my period just as I got ill so have no idea if my grotty feeling was early pregnancy or early illness. Either way I have come out the other end with an addiction to Chai Tea. I am crazed for the stuff, no caffeine, no sugar, what's not to like?</p> <p>My pregnant best friend is loosing her marbles. She forgot my birthday, which in itself is not hanging offence, and is spotty and cries at the least provocation. I couldn't NOT forgive her for forgetting my birthday because she might cry. Part of my jealousy of the gestating community is how special what they are doing is and how specially we treat them. It isn't wrong that this is special. I just feel sad I don't know what it feels like.</p> <p>I am not sure my business with my mother is done. When I spoke with Zita West about losing this baggage I thought I might write a letter.Not to post, just to write. I'm scared of the emotions I might unleash and I can't quite bring myself to do it. Then again, the hypnotist was wrong, no September pregnancy for me. It would have been a lovely birthday present.</p> <p>So where am I? I have failing adrenal glands. Not the easily Googled Addison's, but a milder version that may or may not be linked to my bloods keenness to clot. I have to share this with my endocrinologist at our next meeting, which might be interesting as she didn't order the test. I don't really know what all this means and what can be done. The lovely London Doctor referred me to a colleague who is a a herbalist and nutritionist. She suggested cutting out all dairy and gluten, just as a start and frankly didn't really answer my questions very well when I asked about her plan of action. Everything seems to be tied to my blood type. The Endo is likely to regard the problem as too mild to treat I suspect so I have booked an appointment with Zita West next week on the phone to see if she is the middle-way, voice of common sense. Chronic Adrenal disease is linked to AntiPhospholipid Syndrome so who knows. </p> <p>I have a strange bruise like mark on the top side of my foot, just by my ankle. It is bluer than the rest of my foot, not sore, not tender but slightly swollen. My reflexologist spotted it. I'm sure my dad has patches like that on his feet. It has a twin on my other foot. The relexologist wants me to go to the doctor but I can't face queueing at eight AM for a walk in appointment and fixed appointments at short notice are rare a rocking horse poo. We will see how freaked out I get. </p> <p>I desperately want to forget about trying for a baby yet am surrounded by birth announcements and pregnant women. Husband still hasn't bought me a vibrator yet..... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/10/11/back_after_a_short_hiatus~3118432/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-09-28:/2007/09/28/the_internet_of_infertility_or_how_this_~3054963/motheranddaughter2007-09-28T19:22:08+02:002007-09-28T19:22:08+02:00 <p>Before I was worried by my fertility, I really had no idea just how much stuff was out there about the topic. I only really stumbled on the topic when I first started looking up pregnancy symptoms. The first time we tried to get pregnant I had the longest cycle of my life, grew enormous boobs, went off coffee, everything tasted of tin and generally I thought it might be happening. Several negative tests later and two weeks late I finally had a truly horrid period. We will never know what really happened but it sent me scurrying to Google to see what might be going on. </p> <p>My internet adventures started with lurking around chat boards trying to understand early pregnancy symptoms and if I might eventually get two pink lines instead of one on my test stick. I learned a lot during this time, which frankly I would rather unlearn. Bizarrely I went from being someone who never really had PMT symptoms like sore boobs and fluid retention to being someone who actually felt quite pregnant for a few days each month, even though I clearly wasn't. It is quite likely that this started off all in my head, but believe me, it's real now. During this time, my much loved London Doctor postulated that I had an implantation problem. A theory which I have been kind of haunted by ever since. Reading my Basal Body Temperature Charts in the same way some people read runes, he declared this to be a distinct possibility. Needless to say the web-action stepped up to include some infertility sites and some medical publications and research papers.</p> <p>My gynaecologist, once I had one, totally rejected this idea. But there again this is the same guy who refused to even think about treating my mild hypothyroidism. Bizarrely the colleague and endocrinologist he referred me to was adamant that we should treat it. They work about fifty feet apart...By now my internet researching expertise was a marketable skill and I was also trying to understand what the hell was going on with my thyroid as well as the rest of my bits. The Endocrinologist also agreed to run all the auto-immune and clotting tests I had been wanting to have done. They came back almost normal, bar a little speedy blood clotting and some ANA (Anti-Nuclear Antibody) action that could just be down to some recurring infection. So after a year of being poked and prodded it was my husbands turn. </p> <p>Around this time I think I had the biggest row with him so far. Well at least since the baby odessy began. He didn't read anything, he didn't research anything, he didn't ask the right questions. He thought he was doing well coming to defend me from the gynaecologist who talked to his face with his hand up my fanny. I was not impressed by either of them and I let the one I was actually married to know about it. He read a lot and still sometimes surprises me by coming up with something I haven't extracted from Google. His tests had been 'pretty much normal' and you can see in one of my earlier posts that we finally managed to do some of the other tests he wanted to do in London, which were all fine. We also think we have managed to switch gynaecologist. </p> <p>By early 2007 I was on thyroid medication and feeling a bit better, or at least not as bad. I still get knackered the next day after staying up past midnight and I still haven't shifted the weight I gained but I can't really tell what is normal any more. We decide that we are starting again with baby making and would count from me being well again. Around that time my internet attention shifted from the technicalities of infertility to the whole experience. </p> <p>Stumbling across the blogs of Tertia, Julie and Julie gave my experience some shape and navigation. I didn't know these women, but they don't talk about sprinkling baby dust and use cutesy abbreviations for every detail that you can be euphemistic about. My particular pet peeve is talking about 'Baby Dancing' instead of talking about sex. I can only imagine the horrified expression on my husband's face if he had the least suspicion I talked about Baby Dancing to anyone. In these women's blogs there are no ticker tapes showing when babies, who are probably in primary school by now, were due to be born. They are sometimes raw and angry but they are always real and honest and I thank them so much for that. They make me feel like a normal human being, qualified to say what I think, whether I believe in faeries, God or the Easter Bunny or none of the above. I have even commented on their blogs occasionally, because I actually care and don't feel like a dork doing it. These women are the reason I blog today. It is my own little private corner where I don't have to modulate my response to anything. I can rant, rave, use obscenely long words, in short, it is my party. </p> <p>The latest part of the puzzle fell into place this week when I finally got the results back from spitting in a tube once every three days ( AKA a Saliva Hormone Assay done by the good folks at Geneva Diagnostics in New Malden). I can't tell you the fun I had trying to persuade my local TNT office that actually it was perfectly safe and legal to courier my precious and now de-frosted samples. We were finally testing one of my London Doctor's reasonable hypotheses, that I might have a luteal phase defect. As it happens, it looks like I don't although I have a wee bit too much Estrogen in my system. Thanks to my superior internet research skills I know this is normal-ish for someone with a slow thyroid and I await the hard copy to see if it really warrants action. Much more impressively, an internet grown hunch of mine, was revealed to be correct. Since I first started researching my Thyroid problems I wondered whether the sheer stress of the last few years had finally buggered up my adrenal glands. My Endocrinologist had thought this might be a possibility also and ordered a cortisol blood test. Which came back normal-ish. With the saliva test you track cortisol through the whole day and mine is normal in the morning, it just gives up mid-morning and is pitifully low for the rest of the day. So now I need to tell my endocrinologist the results of this test in a polite and respectful way, that ensures she doesn't feel like I have been checking up on her. Although I have been suspecting this diagnosis for a while, the cortisol testing was just part of whole battery of saliva tests London Doctor ordered and was an oddly pleasant surprise </p> <p>It feels good to have my hunch borne out, even if it took a while, but in fact most of my diagnoses have been spot on. I have often found myself ignoring them for fear of being some with 'Internet-itis' but from now on I am going to trust my gut feel. So it is back on the baby aspirin and on with the attempts to get my mother baggage out my system. Other than that I think as my adrenal glands get a bit better it is all going to be just fine. </p> <p>Footnotes to this long scribe:<br> I don't have Addisons just yet. I have Adrenal Insufficiency rather than a complete pack up so we are going to try natural support, maybe DHEA and then steroids if we have to. I have a conversation scheduled with a colleague of London Doctor on Monday </p> <p>Interestingly DHEA , the under production of which results from Adrenal Insufficiency is now being given to older IVF patients to improve the performance of their ovaries. It is so successful in some cases they aren't making it to IVF because they get pregnant.</p> <p>Internet-itis is a condition whereby you develop conditions you have just read about on the internet and then convince yourself it is fatal. I have had it a couple of times and my friend M had it once or twice, we try to keep each other straight. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/09/28/the_internet_of_infertility_or_how_this_~3054963/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-09-25:/2007/09/25/my_version_of_not_thinking_about_it~3036448/motheranddaughter2007-09-25T11:47:43+02:002007-09-25T11:47:43+02:00 <p>Every time I catch myself thinking about whether I am pregnant I am saying 'whatever' to myself and anyone else who is listening. Does this count as not thinking about it? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/09/25/my_version_of_not_thinking_about_it~3036448/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-09-22:/2007/09/22/back~3023151/motheranddaughter2007-09-22T17:50:14+02:002007-09-22T17:50:14+02:00 <p>From a fun and fabulous time in France which included such delights as barbecued duck breast and travelling in a convoy of friends to the Ile de Re. Delightful. And now I am back and grumpy. I'm always grumpy when I get back here and spend a good week wondering why I actually live here. Today my husband is driving me nuts with his lack of communication skills and ability to spend upwards of an hour, just 'popping in' to a record store. And the fact that sex four times in two weeks doesn't seem like a lot to me. And that he doesn't talk dirty or in fact really do dirty, well not since we grew up and stopped getting beyond wasted at the weekend and boy was that a long time ago. And that I feel so gender neutral without someone who really obviously lusts after me. And that I'm not sure if I ovulated but shouldn't I be ignoring all that right now - but wait didn't I offer to swap trying to get pregnant for hot sex? I'm not sure if this blog constitutes 'thinking too much about trying to get pregnant' but as I still am thinking, I still am blogging. Two girls who used to work for me are both waiting to deliver just now, or at least I think they are and haven't yet popped. It doesn't help. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/09/22/back~3023151/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-09-05:/2007/09/05/she_gets_it~2928010/motheranddaughter2007-09-05T10:37:27+02:002007-09-05T10:37:27+02:00 <p>Long Time Best Friend and I had a huge long talk on the 'phone last night. It has been long overdue and came as a huge relief to both of us. She has been trying for baby number two and is now nine weeks pregnant. This is the pregnancy I was dreading. She will have two babies, I will have not had one yet. She is due in April and it is, to my surprise, ok. I am genuinely happy for her and found it remarkably easy to talk to her about it. So much for expectation. I also found it easy to talk about my recent adventures in the netherworld of unexplained fertility. The first time LTBF got pregnant, it was the first month she tried and she spent a goodly time feeling very strange about it. It was seeing her with her baby that really switched on my biological clock about two years ago. It took me about six months to take some action and most of the rest you know. This time around she again got pregnant straight away and then had a very early miscarriage. I have a photo of her from around that time and her smile has the same slightly tight look that mine has occasionally. At the time she claimed to be fine, but a few weeks later it hit home harder. Since then she has been trying not to be freaked out by not getting pregnant. She knows what the two-week-wait feels like now and I am glad she understands. She got pregnant as soon as she stopped worrying about it. Before her current pregnancy I think it was hard for her to talk to me. Perhaps because when something is hurting you, but someone you care about has the been carrying the same hurt for longer, it is hard to know what to say. Last night I was glad that she is pregnant and even more glad that I have her back. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/09/05/she_gets_it~2928010/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-09-04:/2007/09/04/letting_it_all_hang_out_or_down_or_somet~2921979/motheranddaughter2007-09-04T10:56:39+02:002007-09-04T10:56:39+02:00 <p>Ok, first the easy bit, my debrief with Zita. All ok. Apparently I sound like a different person to the one she met two weeks ago. That is probably true. I am more relaxed, I seem to be happier and more able to take things in my stride. The message is keep on, keeping on , don't stress the little stuff and go and get on the list for IUI. Listen to the music, listen to the hypnosis track, do yoga, have sex. </p> <p>One thing that is making me happier I think. I am being more direct with LSH (Long Suffering Husband) and although he hasn't bought me the vibrator I asked for yet, he seems to generally appreciate my approach. What I didn't explain to the 'people in the computer' yet is the advice that I had from Marisa to get a bit more dirty in bed. Now perhaps this sudden request seems a bit more in context? Apparently dirty, horny sex ( the kind you don't have quite so often after ten years together) will help make us both more fertile as it will be more like sex with a random other potential gene pool. I'm not sure I buy this theory. She tells me that not only will he produce more sperm if he feels like he is having sex with someone new, but helpfully my cervix will tilt to collect it up! So far, so much possible guff but, let's face it, not advice it is in my interests to ignore. Actually I would trade a few months of hot dirty sex for waiting to be pregnant a few more months. Hence the request for the vibrator, a booking for some serious waxing and an assignation to buy me even more lingerie....<br> Now the difficult bit. I am also planning on spending at least half a day downloading all my thoughts about MD (mother dearest), and putting them on paper. This will be an open letter that I will never send. This is tough as I have tried this before and tend to get caught in the, is it too melodramatic, am I being too much of a victim, is this really all just in my head, loop. What I appreciate after my hypnosis session is that this isn't about what is 'real' or not. It's about what I experience and how this has shaped how I think. I don't need to confront anyone and reach any kind of truth, I just need to let it loose. The feeling of release I felt when I was hypnotised was incredible. Completely out of proportion to what I was actually talking about. This isn't about how bad things are, how heavy the baggage is, its about how good it is to finally put it down. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/09/04/letting_it_all_hang_out_or_down_or_somet~2921979/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-09-02:/2007/09/02/title~2911952/motheranddaughter2007-09-02T17:28:14+02:002007-09-02T17:49:08+02:00 <p>Its been about ten days since the London trip and I feel a little as though the effect has been to hit the reset button in my head. Control+ Alt + Delete for fertility perhaps? I have managed, after much messing about with sound levels and USB sticks, to transfer Marisa's tape onto my iPod and I am listening to the recording every day as instructed. The only problem is that I keep falling over that fine line between relaxed and asleep. I'm fairly sure that your mind shouldn't wander while you creatively visualise your as yet un-conceived child, and I'm not sure whether this should make you drop off entirely, but that is generally the effect the recording has. Despite this she has certainly penetrated my unconscious, I hear her voice in my head all the time. It is a strange experience, not unlike when you get a particular song stuck in your mind. I am supposed to keep listening for at least 30 days so I'm not sure what it will be like in another couple of weeks time. Maybe I will find myself randomly quoting from the recording<br> The MRT, Medical Resonance Therapy CDs have also arrived and they don't send me to sleep, even though I find myself very relaxed by them. LSH was so relaxed by the sample I played him, he actually looked a bit droopy even watching BBC World News with the sound down. This is usually something guaranteed to raise his blood pressure instantly, so I was quite surprised. I'm trying to persuade him to listen to the whole thing, but so far he hasn't taken the bait.<br> I am in danger of becoming a more relaxed and happier person. Life is good. I am off on holiday in less than a week, my dermatologist has approved the treatment of the acne under my chin with Blue Light Therapy, touch and go as I am allergic to strong sunlight. I have just been treated by Devon Friend to the most brutal and thorough massage I have had in years. Apparently I am some kind of masochist as the masseur has never been as firm with anyone else and had them feel ticklish....admittedly there were moments when it was borderline pleasure/pain, but to me that is a good massage. Now maybe I should learn something about myself from that? I will save my thoughts about how to exorcise the daemons stirred up by Marisa and a debrief on my debrief with Zita for another post. For now I'm off to enjoy a Sunday evening out </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/09/02/title~2911952/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-08-26:/2007/08/26/the_debrief_it_s_a_monster~2872143/motheranddaughter2007-08-26T12:27:33+02:002007-08-26T12:27:33+02:00 <p>I have been waiting for a while to write this, so I can digest what has been going on. In the unlikely event you have been waiting with baited breath to find out about my adventures in London, the wait is over.</p> <p>Zita<br> First I went to see the delightful and deeply reassuring Zita West. I wanted to come out with a plan of action and so far so good.I will talk to her again to finalise next week. Apparently most of the things on my mind are the right things. For example I might have slight PCOS and yes, reflexology is the way forward. Tick that box. As the waiting list for IUI is about six months here, she also recommends we get on that train now. The main thing we passionately agree on is that I need to sort out my head. Although I am a long way away from being totally messed up by this in my day to day life, my relationship with mummy dearest leaves a bit to be desired if you want a robust attitude to having babies as readers of my previous posts will be aware. Between being continually told what a nightmare baby and child I was, my mother ending up taking Valium for who knows how long and, in my opinion worst of all, my mother's continued efforts to keep my dad out of the equation, there is a lot of baggage to lose. </p> <p>'If there is any justice in the world you will end up with a child just as vile as you'.</p> <p>Not exactly the worst thing she could have said, and accompanied by many much nicer moments, but unfortunately it isn't the nice moments you tend to remember. Zita's prescription was pretty much in line with what I had planned for part two of the London trip with a few other elements. I had already booked in for some clinical hypnosis and she added to that some serious relaxation. Yoga plus listening to some 'Medical resonance therapy'. MRT is like music but you don't listen to it for pleasure you listen to it as a prescription. A German composer called Peter Huebner has developed this and other varieties of music aimed at helping you learn more effectively. I actually experienced this a couple of months ago in, of all things a Les Mills Body Balance class. It made me cry as I relaxed where usually I can't even drift off in a public gym class. And here it is again. I have two CDs on order, one a general stress and anxiety buster and another for hormonal disturbance. I'm so excited about getting my hands on them that I asked for them to be sent special delivery. I also trawled the inter-web for references yesterday. I couldn't find a decent explanation of how it actually works, but I did find some samples to listen to and the effects are stunning. Put it this way, you wouldn't want to listen to the relaxation tracks in the car and I certainly couldn't listen first thing in the morning as I would go straight back to sleep. I played a bit to LSH (long suffering husband) last night and although he was half watching BBC World with the sound down, he too became quite droopy of eye-lid. When it arrives I am supposed to do at least thirty minutes a day, alternating CDs. Other nuggets from Zita include, not taking my temperature as it's overkill a makes you too vigilant, more sex and less booze for LSH. Not that he drinks a lot, but for me a husband who has drunk a lot more than me is the ultimate turn off. When he does occasionally drink enough to be properly pissed I really dislike it because I'm not drunk. The good news is this is verbotten as he shouldn't drink more than 2-4 units in a sitting. I'm pretty happy about this and await the backlash when I am actually pregnant!</p> <p>Being at Zita's after having thought about it for so long was a very emotional experience. Naturally her offices are full of baby photos, you actually sit on a sofa to talk, there is plentiful water and tissues in case you cry and it feels like being in a house not a clinic. She herself is a tiny, curvy, chic woman with a direct but very sympathetic manner. Oh and as I left she gave me a hug. She is the opposite to any gynaecologist I have ever met. I wish I had done this ages ago</p> <p>So Tuesday was draining and I was asleep by ten and slept until eight. Wednesday was stranger and just as exhausting in a different way. Wednesday morning and lunchtime was taken up with the holy trinity of Selfridges, Harvey Nichols and Harrods for comedy value. I didn't actually buy much as the trip itself was less than a bargain, but it was overwhelming to be surrounded by so much I actually might like to buy. After lunch a Wagamamma, it was time to head west to meet Marisa the hypnotherapist. </p> <p>Marisa<br> I'm not sure what I expected this to be like but for some reason hypnotherapy caught me by surprise. I will try and explain what happens but it is not the easiest feeling to describe. The difficult thing to explain is that when you are hypnotised it isn't that you can't ignore what the hypnotist is asking you to do, its that you don't want to. I want to explain that context first so you have a feeling of what it is like. We spent a while talking about what I wanted to get from the session and I'm not really sure if my general anxiety problems were , or should have been, taken into account. And then we began. First of all Marisa relaxed me and demonstrated to me how 'suggestible' I am with a simple exercise where I am holding a weight in one hand and a helium balloon in the other. It worked and her insistence my eyes are glued shut worked a little less as I could just about open them if I want to. </p> <p>As soon as I am down the flight of ten steps into being deeply under, we start in about my mum. She calls on me a number of times to pull up the reasons why I have mental blocks about having a baby. We do this by pulling up a snapshot of the reason. Quite often the snap-shot seems innocuous enough when I first describe it to her but the emotion behind it is often toxic. I'll give you an example of one snapshot and explain what I mean. I am sitting in the kitchen with both my parents, I must be all of three. I have been good all week so dad is being sent off to buy chocolate biscuits. There is nothing sinister about this on the surface but I remember so vividly what the feeling in the room was. My mum wanted my dad to be the disciplinarian not her, she wanted him to be less close to me, more the bad cop and have less of a relationship. The emotion I feel behind this snapshot typifies a pattern I have seen all my life. My mum won't butt out of my relationship with my dad, she is jealous yet berates me for being like him and calls me a fool for siding with him. She criticises him for having not been an involved dad, yet she wouldn't even let him feed me because, just once, he didn't warm my bottle enough and 'nearly poisoned me'. She still tries to tell him he doesn't know me and tries to tell me she knows me better than I know myself. I know she was ill and maybe still is. I'm scared that I will be like her or that maybe she is right and she really does know me that well. We do five of these snapshots</p> <p>I cry a lot in the hour I am hypnotised. By the time Marisa has finished with the positive script I am going to take away with me on tape, I am a snotty, mascara smeary mess and it is time to jump in a cab to Heathrow. I feel strangely light and very tired. The last thing I hear is Marisa assuring me my other symptoms will also fade over the next few weeks. I nearly typed 'mother symptoms' as I write this. LSH picks me up from the airport and even at the end of a heavy couple of days I can't quite sleep. Too much to process.</p> <p>I'll be back in a couple of days once I have settled into this at little more </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/08/26/the_debrief_it_s_a_monster~2872143/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-08-20:/2007/08/20/excited_sort_of~2839511/motheranddaughter2007-08-20T16:18:03+02:002007-08-20T16:18:03+02:00 <p>Tomorrow I'm off to London to see Zita West, the fertility and pregnancy guru <a href="http://www.zitawest.com">www.zitawest.com</a> and also to see a clinical hypnotist. I am excited but am not really sure why. With the hypnotist I can see the excitement because I actually quite like the feeling of semi-consciousness and imagine this will be that kind of feeling but with less droopiness?With Zita West it is more that I have been talking about this for ages. I am wondering whether she may have any startling insights for me where two gynaecologists, a psychic and a GP have failed. Maybe baby. After this I'm going cold turkey for a while so this is a beginning and an end for me. </p> <p>Over the last seventeen months I have been brought great comfort and occasionally a lot of laughs by three excellent blogs and I'd like to recognise the people who have kept me on the right side of that sanity line 99% of the time. The 1% is just how it goes when you grapple with being infertile/ sub-fertile/ whatever it is called when there is nothing 'wrong' but you haven't got pregnant yet. So if you are reading this, as Amazon says, you might also like:</p> <p><a href="http://www.tertia.org/">http://www.tertia.org/</a> Tertia Albertyn has twins but not without having been through the wringer to get them, soon she will also have new boobs, what is it with this woman and wanting two new ones of everything. I love her wicked sense of humour and her lack of a judgemental bone in her body</p> <p><a href="http://www.alittlepregnant.com/">http://www.alittlepregnant.com/</a> Written by Julie who conceived a son after four rounds of IVF. Along the way she experienced an ectopic pregnancy, a miscarriage, a complicated third pregnancy, and, finally, the birth of her son, Charlie, 10 weeks premature. Julie has just lost her father and I've never wanted to hug someone I didn't know before but there you go. She knows not what good she has done</p> <p>and last but not least<br> <a href="http://www.julia.typepad.com/.">http://www.julia.typepad.com/.</a> Julia went through all manner of nightmares and finally has Patrick the boy genius, she is now waiting for the arrival of twins known as "Up and Down", "Empty and Full", "Good and Bad" and "Barbecue Sauce and Applebutter" depending on mood and whim. </p> <p>All three are very different but very real and amusing, without them I'd think I was going slowly nuts</p> <p>I am back in a couple of days with new tales of my adventures in London, I even more curious about hypnosis now, what if I'm too darn stubborn to go under, or whatever it is you do?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/08/20/excited_sort_of~2839511/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-08-17:/2007/08/17/tired_but_not_so_emotional~2824973/motheranddaughter2007-08-17T17:17:54+02:002007-08-17T17:19:15+02:00 <p>Maybe its just because I have changed my thyroid meds but I am knackered. Enough already with being barely awake at nine. I need a holiday. Oh wait, I'm going on holiday I just hope I stay awake long enough to enjoy it.<br> Marital (or should that read Martial?) bliss has been restored and I am looking forward with curiosity to what next weeks trips to Zita West and to see a hypnotist, will bring. Actually I'm trying not to think about either as flying, medicine and losing control all terrify me. God knows how tired I'll be by the end of next week. I'm so relieved to finally be back a little more on an even keel I think I could sleep for a week. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/08/17/tired_but_not_so_emotional~2824973/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-08-10:/2007/08/10/exhausted~2786267/motheranddaughter2007-08-10T14:21:44+02:002007-08-10T14:21:44+02:00 <p>Tuesday was the day it all went bang and dear husband ended up in tears. Its a pity he hadn't previously been able to express how he felt but better out than in. I'm not sure if anything will actually change as a result of our discussion but at least we have each had a chance to say what is on our minds. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/08/10/exhausted~2786267/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-08-07:/2007/08/07/the_wall~2770080/motheranddaughter2007-08-07T16:07:29+02:002007-08-07T16:07:29+02:00 <p>Yesterday I hit the wall. I had spent all weekend with the 'very pregnant sister in law' and held it together. It was fine so long as didn't contemplate the miracle inside her too closely. We got back and husband said nothing. A day went by and he still said nothing. I explained how him saying nothing made me feel. He realises that he missed the mark. I worry that if we actually chill out and stop trying we won't have enough sex to make baby. He asked me to extend a little faith. I told him I had on many occasions and felt it was wearing a little thin. He was tired, we went to sleep and we will talk about it tonight. I've had enough of trying. I have had enough of being the one who tries to make it happen, who reads stuff, who knows how things work. This month I'm going to do my saliva tests, go see the hypnotherapist and finally see Zita West. Unless something startling comes from these efforts that's it. I'm giving up the struggle for a while at least. I have had enough. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/08/07/the_wall~2770080/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-08-06:/2007/08/06/not_binary~2763243/motheranddaughter2007-08-06T12:11:22+02:002007-08-06T12:11:22+02:00 <p>I'm just back from seeing my very pregnant sister-in-law. When I found out in April that she was having twins I howled. They have a three year old, she is nearly thirty nine and they tried for quite a while. I love them to bits but the bald naked fact that she has two babies in her belly still turns me to mush. For my husband her pregnancy is just a good news story, for me it's a good news story tinged with jealousy and grief so strong I can taste it. He doesn't really see how both these emotions can exist at once. Its like digital versus analogue. I seem to come with hiss and crackle along with the tune, maybe a richer sound because of it. Back on my home turf I am waiting to see if he will ask me how I feel about it. I could get angry but it would be a choice, to convert the raw feeling into something outward bound. </p> <p>I have spent the weekend trying to work out what I want from the clinical hypnotist I am going to see in London. Do I ask her to work with me on my anxiety, the panic I feel as I go to sleep at night or just my fertility? My conclusion is that we need to tackle the common theme. I just don't trust my body to do what it need to do whether that is managing to swallow, managing to get through a stressful situation without peeing or managing to get pregnant. I have not much idea where this mistrust came from but I do know I live inside my head way too much and need to trust my body just to get on with things. So I guess this is the brief. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/08/06/not_binary~2763243/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-08-01:/2007/08/01/still_ok~2736711/motheranddaughter2007-08-01T09:18:00+02:002007-08-01T09:18:00+02:00 <p>I was kind of waiting for the real beginning of my period to see if I really was ok. Often I only break down when I can see that there is no way I am pregnant. I can see and I am actually fine. This maybe seems like something so little if you have never felt grief when you realise you are not pregnant again but for me this is a big change </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/08/01/still_ok~2736711/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-07-31:/2007/07/31/someone_watching_over_me~2731649/motheranddaughter2007-07-31T11:28:18+02:002007-07-31T11:28:18+02:00 <p>I know my period is coming, I know I am not pregnant,but for once it feels ok. This is the first time in 16 months that it has felt ok and I'm not really sure why. It helps that someone, however strange has said I will have a baby, it helps that I had already decided that this wasn't the month, it helps that I'm focused on getting fit again and getting my body back. I absolutely reserve the right to ball my eyes out when the next person I know gives birth but just for today, it is all ok.<br> The Californian is coming round for dinner tonight whilst I am home alone to hear all about the paragnost (so much nicer a word than psychic). I wonder where that discussion will take me. Its only when I interact with others I really see where my head is at. In the meantime someone is watching over me </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/07/31/someone_watching_over_me~2731649/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-07-30:/2007/07/30/mum_bo_jumbo~2725779/motheranddaughter2007-07-30T11:02:10+02:002007-07-30T11:02:10+02:00 <p>Last Friday I took myself off to see a paragnost (psychic) who lives in a tower block in the north of the city. She comes highly recommended by a very sane friend. In fact a friend so sane, few people would believe she actually went in for this. Apart from a lot of stuff about work, I had two obvious questions in my mind. The one I didn't dare ask,'Will I ever have baby?' and the one I dared to ask,'Is there anything I can do to help myself have a baby?'. The whole adventure went something like this:</p> <p>First I arrive and have to brave the fact that the woman lives on the eighth floor. This would be fine if her front door was inside, but it's one of those blocks where front doors open out onto balcony open to the air. No sooner had a congratulated myself that I didn't feel like peeing myself on the way there in the taxi, but I am faced with having to crawl to her front door, for fear I fling myself to my death from her balcony. She answered her door mercifully quickly</p> <p>It was a bizarrely normal experience all round, but the first thing she said to me, without introduction or any chit chat was,'you are longing for child, you are not pregnant now but you want to be' and it went on from there. I won't trouble you with the details of my future working life and eventually we go round to talking about the baby question. I explained that she was right, I was longing for a baby but that I didn't want to know IF that would happen but would like to know if there is anything I can do to help matters. She told me no, but that the only physical problem was that I was too 'dry' inside before menstruation. I also asked if there were any mental blocks stopping me getting pregnant and she thinks not. She also told me that I would have a baby, 'born from love' not from any technical intervention in about 18 months time. So I guess I have another 9 months to wait which feels like a long time but ultimately I would rather hear that than worse news. <br>Now here's where it does get a bit weird. Since the very beginning of my doubts about my fertility the Australian witch doctor has been sure I have an implantation problem possibly caused by low progesterone or wobbly progesterone. Basically the lining of my womb doesn't get enough of the wet/sticky stuff to make the fertilised egg stick. I am about to start a slightly surreal test which involves spitting in a tube every three days so that my hormone levels can be tracked. This has already led to some slightly strange discussions with DHL about whether they ship saliva samples but we will see what this brings. My own worries are about lack of cervical mucous but that's a different thing altogether.....it seems the psychic might be pretty good but I'm not sure I buy the lack of mental block so...</p> <p>Next month I am off to London to see a lady called Marissa who is a clinical hypnotherapist. I'm not sure if we will go straight into dealing with my ambivalence about being a mother or whether we need to deal with my overall anxiety first but either way I am looking forward seeing if this makes a difference to both. My ambivalence has three main areas:<br> Firstly my mum never really had a career after she had kids, somehow there has always been some pressure on me to manage both. Secondly I have horribly vivid memories of my mum asking me why I was such bad child and she has always maintained I was a wilful and 'bad' baby. 'If there is any justice in the world you will have a baby who is just like you', was common chorus. Although it later transpired this experience was more to do with her post-natal depression than my character , it has kind of stuck. Most importantly I don't want to have the effect on my child that my mother had on me. She has always been at pains to point out her martyrdom but also how in control she is; 'I know you better than you know yourself', 'you never knew which side your bread was buttered on, I know you and you are just like your father'. I am never allowed to be fully separate from her mentally. She always has to know better than I do. I forgive her for the anger that fuelled these comments and I understand how much she has been hurting, but like splinters, I can't seem to dislodge the comments from my flesh. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised it doesn't want to reproduce the situation </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/07/30/mum_bo_jumbo~2725779/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-07-19:/2007/07/19/proud_as_punch_but_what_next~2663746/motheranddaughter2007-07-19T13:44:43+02:002007-07-19T13:44:43+02:00 <p>Of all the things in the world to be proud of, I'm proud of my husband's sperm. Apparently they are genetically just fine. Not outstanding, but nothing that should really stand in the way of conception. This is great, but leaves me wondering what next. I'm having a month of trying not to think about getting pregnant but my temperature is all over the place, I have acne to rival a sixteen year old boy and I'm wondering if I actually need to be hypnotised into believing I can get pregnant. I've been trying to reach a guy who lives local and practices in English but despite two call and two emails, no answer. Instead I have diverted energy into working out how to lose 3 kilos, laser zap my remaining acne and get my teeth fixed...now you know why there is no photo of the author attached to this blog. </p> <p>In the back of my mind I'm still wondering why the friendly universe has not yet brought me a baby. We have a joint consult planned with the London witch-doctor on Friday morning. This should be slightly surreal affair as we crouch around the sitting room phone and speak to a disembodied Australian homoeopath. We even have an agenda. Lovely husband's sperm debrief a plan for the rest of 2007 and then some general questions about my health. </p> <p>Now back to the back-breaking work of addressing why my relationship with mummy dearest might stop me getting pregnant. I had a couple of breakthrough moments in the last week. Firstly the following simple thought sprang to mind. I can be 'a' mother without turning into 'the' mother, or more specifically 'my' mother. Secondly I have stopped just wanting to be pregnant, now I actually want a child. I'm still not sure if this means I could go down the adoption route, but the more I consider this the more possible it seems. I saw something on TV the other night about adopting three boys from the same family and actually found myself wondering where we could put them..</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/07/19/proud_as_punch_but_what_next~2663746/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-07-02:/2007/07/02/testing_testing~2556910/motheranddaughter2007-07-02T09:58:50+02:002007-07-02T09:58:50+02:00 <p>This week husband goes for a Sperm Chromatin Assay Test in London. It's to see if his DNA is messed up in his sperm, which might not be helping this situation. They test a sample and give you a percentage that are messed up. Everyone has some, more than 30% is bad news. This being London and private medicine to boot, they will test him for stuff like Chlamydia also. Here you only get tested if you are a woman. Go figure. He is also going to consult with the London doctor about the link with his as yet undiagnosed allergy. He has hives bad enough to require anti-histamine twice weekly but not bad enough that anyone can actually work out what causes them. Here they tell me this won't affect his fertility. London ,as usual, its different story. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/07/02/testing_testing~2556910/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-07-02:/2007/07/02/progress~2556870/motheranddaughter2007-07-02T09:52:02+02:002007-08-07T16:13:56+02:00 <p>My London doctor thinks I should consider what he kindly calls, ´mind/body´,treatment. This feels to me like saying, ´it´s all in your head´, which is of course the whole point of this blog. My experiences with any kind of external delving into my psyche have been very bad, with the exception of an amazing CBT practitioner called Mariolein. I´m torn between taking his advice and keeping using this blog as a forum to let it all hang out. One thing that has changed recently is this. I used to be jealous of pregnant women, now I´m jealous of women with babies, maybe eventually I will be jealous of people with kids? Perhaps this is more realistic and therefore a healthier form of jealousy..</p> <p>Speaking of psychological nasties, one of the things I feel horribly guilty about is the circumstances under which I 'decided' it was time to get pregnant. My career was all over the place, I was having a horrible time at work and it seemed a better thing to focus on. I woke up one morning, has sex and that was that, we were officially trying. This had the added advantage of perking up what had become a slightly pedestrian sex life. Baby making is ,at least to start with, hot sex. My cycle was 45 days that month and I was convinced I was pregnant. Maybe I was but it never showed up on a test. </p> <p>I feel so guilty about this. You aren't supposed to have a child to distract from what else is going on in your life and now I really do desperately want to have a baby but I still feel bad about how all this started. My mother's all pervasive psycho messing has not helped this whole situation. She was so adamant for so long that I was a bad baby and she made it very clear she hated the whole situation. I remember hearing 'if there is any justice in the world you will end up with a child just like you'. If you don't think much of yourself to start with, that could be a slight psychological stumbling block? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/07/02/progress~2556870/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-07-02:/2007/07/02/the_itch_you_canat_scratch~2556788/motheranddaughter2007-07-02T09:32:38+02:002007-07-02T09:32:38+02:00 <p>I did ,what feels to me, like a bad thing. I made an excuse and cancelled dinner with someone very pregnant. I spoke to her on the phone and she told me about an earlier miscarriage, and actually it made me feel a little better. It helps to say that out loud. She is just one of those people who seems to have such a shiny future I couldn´t cope.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/07/02/the_itch_you_canat_scratch~2556788/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-06-06:/2007/06/06/the_all_clear_or_is_it~2405174/motheranddaughter2007-06-06T15:43:55+02:002007-06-06T15:43:55+02:00 <p>Last Friday I went to see a new, less judgemental and certainly more respectful gynaecologist. Here's what I learned, and here's what I still don't know. Apparently pretty much all the tests that can be done in the Netherlands have been done. Short of opening me up and having a rummage around, they have covered every angle. Ovulation, tick box. Tubes, clear, box as ticked as it can be without slicing me open. Husband producing healthy sperm, tick box, landing spot clear, tick box. Except....in the UK they do a test where they look at the health of the DNA in sperm and they seem to be a lot more aggressive about looking at what happens to see if the fertilised egg sticks. The sperm test is called a 'Sperm Chromatin Structural Assay' test, which basically looks at how much of your sperm has intact genetic material that will result in a healthy embryo. Apparently this can be a major cause of unexplained infertility and early miscarriage. The other tests are to do with your auto-immune response and how sticky your blood is. These kinds of problems can affect how easily the pregnancy 'sticks' or implants into the wall of your womb. I have slightly sticky blood but my endocrinologist says she can rule out Hughes Syndrome from my other blood tests. I'm not so sure I trust this and the new gynae suggests repeating the tests.</p> <p>Fortunately I still have a wise doctor in the UK who is a bit more up for looking at the borders of new medicine to see what we can learn. So what now? Ask to see if they will look into the borderline blood clotting problem I have properly, get husband check out properly in the UK when he is there in July. I also might try taking baby aspirin as this can really help clotting disorders and the endocrinologist has told me this is Ok if I want to....but mainly I will be attempting that super-human feat of not thinking too much about trying to get pregnant. </p> <p>This is of course easier said than done as every second person seems to be brandishing a big name baby buggy as though it were the latest designer handbag and don't get me started on the number of people I know who are pregnant. The latest is my sister in law who is having twins. I love her to bits, the twins will be numbers two and three and they tried for ages but still a nasty little bit of me is jealous </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/06/06/the_all_clear_or_is_it~2405174/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-05-30:/2007/05/30/what_goes_up_comes_down~2359249/motheranddaughter2007-05-30T08:41:40+02:002007-06-06T15:19:35+02:00 <p>Today was the day in the month where I lose my optimism temporarily. Although it hasn't dropped much, my temperature is down. This means that in around twelve hours or less I will have tangible evidence that I am not going to be a mum this month. It's kind of a strange limbo land, where you feel your boobs deflate along with your mood. The only thing that is really different is that you woke up 0.2 degrees colder than the day before, but you know it's all over for that month. Dear husband is very sweet about it but I know that at some point today the reality will hit me and no hug will do the trick. This month I seem to be a little more sanguine, perhaps because we see the new gynaecologist on Friday but I was so hoping not to really need to. I'm thirty five in a few months and every website is shouting at me about the 'rapid decline in fertility' I am about to experience. I hardly have a line on my face but my eggs are getting old. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/05/30/what_goes_up_comes_down~2359249/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-05-29:/2007/05/29/bbt_blues~2352432/motheranddaughter2007-05-29T07:51:54+02:002007-05-29T07:51:54+02:00 <p>So my magic reflexologist has managed to trigger a prompt ovulation and my temperature shot up a couple of days afterwards. I think we had sex at roughly the right time but not being newly wed and both being rather knackered this can be a bit hit and miss. My boobs got sore, perhaps more so than usual, perhaps not but the main thing was my stunningly good temperature. Other than that I feel perfectly normal, maybe a bit more sleepy, maybe not. After you have had a slow thyroid most tiredness seems unremarkable, mainly because at its worst I used to have moments when I was walking home where I would absolutely crave to be able to sit down on someone's front step and call my husband to fetch me, because I didn't think I could actually walk any further. So a bit yawny is nothing much. I'm up twice nightly to pee, but that's normal for me as soon as my blood is full of progesterone. And then this morning my temperature dropped a bit. It's day 32, right around when I might expect this.It didn't drop much and it was quite early but I have also been trying to ignore that my nether regions seem to be slowly drying out as this usually heralds my period arriving. So perhaps the universe isn't bringing me a baby this month.<br> Friday we go to see a new gynaecologist. Hopefully one who can actually make a plan about what he will investigate when and why. The last one has done some fairly irregular hormonal testing, tested my husband's sperm, clearly enjoyed the uncomfortable but amusingly named 'hysterosalpingogram', which showed that my tubes are clear but also showed a small fibroid, a wet ultrasound which confirmed the fibroid, another ultrasound to show it was gone, did post-coital test which showed my husband's sperm continue to thrive even when I am actually bleeding, refused to treat my thyroid as apparently it was too borderline to make a difference (too whom?) and then said come back in three months so we can add you to the waiting list for IUI. I asked and I still don't know why but it was clearly time for a new gynaecologist. the main actually managed to exclude me from a conversation by talking only to mu husband, whilst he had me in stirrups with a ultrasound wand inside me. It took my newly found endocrinologist to treat my thyroid and run tests for auto-immune problems which suggest I have slightly sticky blood. So tonight we will sit down and plan Friday's meeting </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/05/29/bbt_blues~2352432/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-05-24:/2007/05/24/title~2328161/motheranddaughter2007-05-24T19:50:04+02:002007-05-24T19:57:24+02:00 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/media/media_item.php?item_ID=1618052" title="My glamourous business travel"><img src="http://data4.blog.de/media/052/1618052_0c366072b3_s.jpeg" alt="My glamourous business travel" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/05/24/title~2328161/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk,2007-05-24:/2007/05/24/title~2327970/motheranddaughter2007-05-24T19:23:09+02:002007-05-24T19:55:14+02:00 <p>I can see the exotic view of an airport control tower. I'm working with some clients at an airport Hilton and, pleading overwork, have chosen to stay in rather than go out. A few things are playing on my mind today, when it isn't being kept in line by my clients. </p> <p>I'm am mainly waiting to see if I am pregnant. This can be a pretty absorbing business as the 'just wondering' probably recurs more frequently than the average 18 year old thinks about sex. Of course part of you wants to hope and dream that this is the month and the other part presumes nothing for fear of disappointment. This month I have a third flavour, the secret, the power of positive thinking, asking the universe for what you want. Baloney? Maybe. But if it works on getting a taxi, not missing the bus and Noel Edmonds got his TV show, why not. So for the next two weeks I will mainly be asking the universe for a healthy first born, due sometime in February. </p> <p>My mother has just left town and whilst any house guest leaving can be a relief, mothers more than most, this was just strange. I want so much to make her a grandma, even when she is driving me nuts. I used to wonder if my sister might beat me to it, but unless its an accident, I think a dog is about as much as she is able to deal with just now. Not what I want for my 'baby' sister. </p> <p>My mum would have such a good time being grandma. She really didn't enjoy being mum to small babies and I'm not really sure if she was that keen on toddlers but this has a lot to do with the fact that she didn't have a good time when I was born. Previously accustomed to spending her free time touring Italy wearing a mini-skirt and paper knickers (don't ask) she found herself newly arrived in a northern town in the early 1970's, knowing very few people, relying on dad for our household income for the first time, deeply depressed after giving birth and deeply oppressed by the militant breast feeding brigade because she couldn't do it. Tried, tried again, tried some more and 'failed'. Of course she didn't fail at all but she would believe that. There were plenty of people telling her she ought to be doing it, just not many helping her understand how. So by the time I was six weeks old, dad was so worried about us he was coming home every day for lunch, just to see if we were ok. How do I know, well thirty years later he finally mentioned it. Its amazing what parents find unremarkable. So worry number one is that I find myself in the same boat. I'm a freelancer, so no safety net of maternity leave for me, I'm saving for it. I live somewhere that I don't speak the language really well and well I'm just scared. Scared that the depression I have had i the past will come back to bit me on the bum and that if I'm lucky I'll have a daughter who is scared too. But still mum, I'm hoping that even if it is as hard for me as it was for you, I can make you grandma this year. That way you can enjoy the fun bits you missed the first time around and then give the baby back. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://likemotherlikedaughter.blog.co.uk/2007/05/24/title~2327970/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>