For the first time in ages, I have been properly,miserably, stuck in bed, no energy even to read, sick. It was 'only' a head cold but it knocked me sideways for five days. Of course I can measure how long ago it was I was last ill using my new measure of 'fertility time' and can tell you that I was last sick a trimester after we started trying.....
As is sometimes the case when you have been ill and forced to think about nothing, I have woken up strangely refreshed now that my brain is no longer cushioned in a sea of snot. A few random thoughts have sprung to my freshly scrubbed mind.
Annoyingly I had a random thirty five day cycle, after several months of twenty eight to thirty days. Maybe I was a little pregnant, maybe not. I got my period just as I got ill so have no idea if my grotty feeling was early pregnancy or early illness. Either way I have come out the other end with an addiction to Chai Tea. I am crazed for the stuff, no caffeine, no sugar, what's not to like?
My pregnant best friend is loosing her marbles. She forgot my birthday, which in itself is not hanging offence, and is spotty and cries at the least provocation. I couldn't NOT forgive her for forgetting my birthday because she might cry. Part of my jealousy of the gestating community is how special what they are doing is and how specially we treat them. It isn't wrong that this is special. I just feel sad I don't know what it feels like.
I am not sure my business with my mother is done. When I spoke with Zita West about losing this baggage I thought I might write a letter.Not to post, just to write. I'm scared of the emotions I might unleash and I can't quite bring myself to do it. Then again, the hypnotist was wrong, no September pregnancy for me. It would have been a lovely birthday present.
So where am I? I have failing adrenal glands. Not the easily Googled Addison's, but a milder version that may or may not be linked to my bloods keenness to clot. I have to share this with my endocrinologist at our next meeting, which might be interesting as she didn't order the test. I don't really know what all this means and what can be done. The lovely London Doctor referred me to a colleague who is a a herbalist and nutritionist. She suggested cutting out all dairy and gluten, just as a start and frankly didn't really answer my questions very well when I asked about her plan of action. Everything seems to be tied to my blood type. The Endo is likely to regard the problem as too mild to treat I suspect so I have booked an appointment with Zita West next week on the phone to see if she is the middle-way, voice of common sense. Chronic Adrenal disease is linked to AntiPhospholipid Syndrome so who knows.
I have a strange bruise like mark on the top side of my foot, just by my ankle. It is bluer than the rest of my foot, not sore, not tender but slightly swollen. My reflexologist spotted it. I'm sure my dad has patches like that on his feet. It has a twin on my other foot. The relexologist wants me to go to the doctor but I can't face queueing at eight AM for a walk in appointment and fixed appointments at short notice are rare a rocking horse poo. We will see how freaked out I get.
I desperately want to forget about trying for a baby yet am surrounded by birth announcements and pregnant women. Husband still hasn't bought me a vibrator yet.....
